Book

Lean the F*ck Out (2023, Castle Point Books/Macmillan)

THe New Yorker

McSweeney’s

We Will No Longer Waste Tax Payer Money on Anything, Since Nothing Is Real

It’s a Shame We Have to Betray Our Allies, Starve the Poor, Halt Scientific Progress, Destroy the Environment, and Eliminate the Freedoms Enshrined in the Bill of Rights, but at Least My Investment Portfolio Is Also Tanking

Changes Our University Is Making to Pre-Comply with Possible Future Regulations

I’m Trying a Wild Experimental Diet Where I Restrict My Working Hours to Certain Times of the Day

How to Give Thanks by Cooking Food No One Knows How to Cook and Eating Food No One Likes to Eat

Making Plans on the Group Chat BINGO

Olympic Gymnast or Me, a Middle-Aged Woman?

Sherwin-Williams Paint Color or Potential Kamala Harris Running Mate?

The Bechamel Test (co-written with Julie Kling)

What Your Favorite ’90s Band Says About the Kind of Bored Suburban Mom You Are Today (co-written with Jared Bilski)

Scout Badges for the Middle-Aged (illustrated by Jane Demarest)

You Should Give Me a Compliment Because I Will Take It Really Well

A Day in the Life of Today’s Parent, as Imagined by Grandparents

An Apology to the Other Parents at Our Kids’ Bus Stop for How Incredibly Boring I Am

Welcome to Rosalita’s Boarding House for Girls and Women Rescued by Bruce Springsteen from Dead-End Small Towns

Introducing Our University’s New Executive Vice President of Saving Money

How Rock and Roll Stays Relevant in Middle Age and Beyond (co-written with Jeff Bender)

How to Ensure Your Annual Beach Vacation Destroys Your Relationship with Your Extended Family (co-written with Jeff Bender)

Academic Regalia, Explained

How Urgently Your Mom Needs to Talk to You, Based on What She Said in the Voicemail

Are You Doing Something Very Ordinary in Real Life or Unraveling at the Brink of a Mental Breakdown in a Movie?

Norrisville Elementary’s Non-Compulsory Mid-December Spirit Week Has Nothing to Do with Christmas

Staying at a White Lotus Resort or Getting a PhD in English?

Bruce Springsteen Lyrics that Hit Differently as I Age (co-written with Jeff Bender)

This Father’s Day, Give Your Dad the Only Gift He Really Wants: A Story about How You Got a Great Parking Spot

Don’t Cross Me Because I Will Get My Revenge by Being Marginally Less Pleasant the Next Time We Meet

Mrs. Dalloway Said She Would Buy the Rapid Covid Test Herself (co-written with Anna Pook)

Tips from the Blessed Virgin Mary for Using Childbirth to Advance Your Personal Brand

What Your Favorite ’90s Rock Band Says about the Type of Bored Suburban Dad You Are Today (co-written with Jared Bilski)

Jesus Christ Can’t Stop Obsessing Over His Follower Count

Vaccine Side Effect, or Have You Just Been Alive for 40 Years?

Meg, Jo, Beth, and Amy March Madness: Key Matchups in the NCAA Little Women Tournament

You Can Skip the First Few Seasons of Your Child’s Life, Because It Doesn’t Really Get Good Until Season 6

Noted Philosophers Reconsider Their Key Insights After a Month of Social Distancing

all McSweeney’s pieces

THe Belladonna

Slackjaw

Points in Case

Other Humor Publications

Lady Macbeth Tries to Remove Waterproof Makeup (co-written with Miriam Jayaratna), in 251

The Sound of Mucus, in 251

If Everyone Did Their Jobs Like the IRS (co-written with Nick Morgan), in Weekly Humorist

Convince Your Toddler to Eat Veggies and Americans to Accept the Vaccine with This One Weird Trick, in Frazzled

Is Your Toddler Actually a U.S. President? (co-written with Nick Morgan), in Frazzled

50 Issues That I, a Feminist, Am More Worried About Than Bernie Mitten Memes (co-written with Katie Burgess, Lindsay Hameroff, and Catherine Weingarten), in The Daily Drunk

Peer-Reviewed Literary Research (For Real!)